second hand smokeee.

Last night as I watched one of my best friends walk across that stage to graduate, I couldn’t help but think how highschool graduation really does mark the beginning of the rest of our lives. Before each student was handed their diploma, one of their teachers read off a paper their feats and achievements throughout highschool as well as their short term and ling term goals. “She plans to attend university of florida to pursue a medical degree” “he plans to attend UNF and pursue an engineering degree” and yes, while long term goals are very important, how do you know that being a doctor or lawyer or engineer or whatever is what you want to do for the rest of your life? Unless I’ve already cut someone up and examined them, I can’t stand on stage in confidence saying that’s what I want to do for the rest if my life. And half of these kids already had their associates degree. How on earth could they possibly know what they want to major in already. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know what i like, and I know what I don’t like, but don’t even begin to ask me who I am. I don’t mean to come off as a pessimist, because im so proud of sarah. I wish all the best for her because she really does deserve it. I guess in a way I’m jealous, I wish I had that kind of determination and confidence. I obviously don’t.

i just want something more out of life. i hate this feeling, i absolutely hate it.  i hate thinking about the future, i just can’t even begin to explain it.

sarah and i rode down to the beach where they have all the fancy beach houses and condos. and as i was admiring all these immaculate houses, i wanted it. i wanted it so bad my chest hurt. i want a life that other people wish they could live. what is so much worse than wanting that is knowing that i am more than capable and i know exactly how to achieve just that.

i know i don’t belong in a grocery store my whole life, and now, im even more sure i don’t belong in sales or retail. i love my jobs, but im working my ass off-everyday-for minimal results. i want to learn, and feel, and experience real life. whether it’s in jacksonville, or out of state, or even out of the country. 

it’s about damn time i start to do something about it. and i could give two shits about what other people think. im doing what i want this time. yes, community college is practical. but im not a practical person. im radical. and it’s about time i start being fucking radical.

“i’ve known what i’ve wanted for the longest time. and it’s you. it’s always going to be you. because i can’t do anything anymore without it reminding me of you. when i walk on the beach at night, i think every strange shadow that passes by is you. when i flip through folio weekly, i secretly hope i see your old band playing a small, hole in the wall, show somewhere. you were the only one who understood my complete and undying love for the beatles. i can’t listen to a single song of theirs without putting it to a memory of you. i can’t watch napoleon dynamite all the way through because when napoleon gives deb a delicious bass at the end of the movie, i break down. i can’t pick up my guitar anymore or sing the same way i used to. nothing is the same or ever will be the same. ever.”

im sorry. im tired. and it’s raining. and all i want to do is lay in bed and scroll through pinterest and tumblr on sarahs laptop. but im really sorry.

that doesnt mean I don’t want to be with my mom today. Because I do. Id much rather be with her than stuck at the bridal shop!!!!

Mother’s day is always hard. I don’t think I love my mom like other people love their mothers. I never bad the chance because while my dad was being a bipolar, psychotic mess, my mother was never there in the sense of how a mother should be there for her children. Maybe that’s whys my mother has never earned my respect. I never felt loved, and I grew up in a fucking awkward unaffectionate family. I don’t even think I know how to love. So thanks mom, happy fucking mothers day.

after today, ill have worked 30 hours in a total of 3 days. I need some rest!!!

If you still care, fucking say something. This is so ridiculous.

→ drinko de mayo was a success

blah.

→ and i got the point that i should leave you alone, but we both know that i’m not that strong

I thought I could let you go. But with you, I’m a better me. How is it possible that I’m still a fool for you after all this time?

alright, here’s the thing —and most guys will deny this, but all of them do it whether they are aware of it or not— always having an attractive girl to associate themselves with is like an instinct to men, kind of like breathing, or eating. the reason boys always crawl back to you is because they want something waiting for them on the back-burner when their current relationship falls through, kind of like they want someone waiting for them at home with a fucking sandwich. don’t be fooled. if they screwed you over once, they’re probably going to do it again. he’s not your mr.big. this is not sex and the city and life is not a movie. get over him and get over him now! don’t be someone’s second choice. be their first! i’m tired of guys getting away with the same shit. especially when it involves me or my friends. like, wake the fuck up!!! be single, be strong, be independent. and stop looking for love in all the wrong places. your friends love you, your family loves you, and i’m pretty sure jesus fucking loves you! focus on yourself and all the rest will fall into place.